Once again, it seems like a good thing that I don't have anyone reading this post aside from fellow-guildies and the very occasional person who is bored enough to subject themselves to this rambling. Because there I went and randomly fell off the bloggy world for a while.
It wasn't that I had nothing to write about. Quite the opposite. I had too much going on and for a lot of it, the things that seemed the most pressing, I knew I needed to take those items up with the officers before I wrote about it here.
Which I did last night and I'm really glad it took so long to get most of us on at the same time because I was able to just say what I wanted to say without (I think) being all crazysauce again, like that one time I let game stress build up and then shot at all the leadership with both barrels and a whole lot of profanity. And yelling. And abuse of caps lock.
And in the aftermath of having divested myself of specific nights of having to be on, be the raid leader, answer all the stupid questions and blah blah BLAH, I really have to laugh at myself and shake my head and acknowledge that I bring this all on myself.
What I like to do, is be in charge. Of everything! All the time! Because clearly, I am the person who cares the most and knows how to do things best! But then it gets to be too much for me to handle. And the game becomes a chore and I find myself making rude remarks about everyone no matter how much I like them or how little I actually know them. And then I go apeshit on the officers like it's their fault that I feel the need to be in control.
(Well, I only did that once but it was BAD and I was a jerk and I'm still sorry!)
So last night I said, "Guys, I am feeling really overwhelmed again with handling this all the time. It's making the game not fun for me and that's a bad thing."
One officer said, "Haven't we had this conversation before?"
Well, yes. Yes we had. But the problem was that I just said "I need help!" and the officers said, "We can help! Let us know what to do!" And I said here are some things. Then... eventually... because we never said this is always your responsibility all the time, I allowed them to help in general but no one ever really took anything on and I eventually was doing it all, all over again.
Last night, two officers took on half the raiding schedule between them. I have the other half still. I really think it will take some of the pressure off.
But, I have control issues.
So on the inside, I'm wondering if I can trust these other officers to do it "right." I wonder if they will have the follow-through. I wonder why I wanted to give up any precious, precious control.
I am a sick woman.
But I'm also the official "has all teh admin power" GM for at least the rest of this last semester of At's. So I guess that makes me a sick woman with power.
It'll be a lot of work to let go of my psycho enough to let others do their jobs. I hope it goes well.
And I really do think my fellow officers are awesome, so please ignore the crazy woman huddled in the corner biting her nails and tearing out her hair.